In recent times, young men have been feeling increasingly disenfranchised as gender roles have changed in heterosexual relationships. Having to deal with shifting norms for what is a desirable male, some men who are not able to adapt to the new standards have chosen to go against feminist progress by adopting involuntary celibate ideology, commonly known as “incel.” To counteract the growing influence of incel ideology, young men should be supported with respect-based solutions to their relationship challenges, rather than being ostracized further into inceldom.
As women’s working conditions continue to improve, women are becoming less reliant on men. In this new context of female empowerment and greater financial independence, what women seek in a male partner has grown beyond a mans’ ability to provide food and shelter. Rather than settling for relationships where they are saddled with both the housekeeping chores and the emotional burden of their boyfriend/husband, more women are prioritizing their own well-being and life enjoyment when considering relationship prospects. Women want a man who enriches their lives, whose values align with their own, and who is supportive in their time of need. In short, women have higher expectations and are more selective of prospective male partners when compared to women of the past (and rightly so).
The Path to Inceldom
For men, what this means is that what was enough to achieve a romantic relationship before, namely financial stability, is no longer sufficient on its own. In today’s age, no woman wants to be with a man who does not view them as an equal and/or who is lacking in emotional understanding. Therefore, if men want to be successful in their romantic pursuits, they have to open themselves to change, examine their beliefs about male-female relationship dynamics, as well as develop their emotional maturity.
Although many men take on this challenge of improving themselves to become a more attractive prospective partner, not all men do. In instances where men do not choose the path of self-improvement, their inability in achieving romantic relationships is often attributed to women’s improved status and their increased partner selectiveness that results from it. These are the men who are commonly referred to as incels: men who do not take accountability and blame women for their lack of sexual encounters. In the minds of incels, meeting the higher standard for men that women have set is impossible to achieve or not worth pursuing. Thus, instead of addressing their own shortcomings, incels put women down to bring women to their level, hoping that playing to women’s insecurities will push them to settle for a man that is less than they deserve.
Growing Concern
Incels and the increasing adoption of incel ideology are a growing concern, as extremist attacks perpetrated by self-proclaimed incels have been occurring more frequently. In Canada alone since 2018, there have been three public attacks carried out by a male motivated by incel ideology which have taken and altered the lives of many. Considering the violent nature of these acts and the misogynistic ideas behind them, one might jump to judge incels who support such beliefs as being irredeemable. If incels do not respect women and harbour ill-intent to harm, why should other members of society be concerned with incels’ well-being?
The reason why incels are deserving of our concern is that if we do not take action to stem the tide of incel ideology, the incidence of dangerous attacks will only grow, exposing more and more people to harm in our communities. According to a research survey of the most active incel forum Incels.co, 21% of respondents endorsed the use of violence. This number will only increase without concerted intervention efforts. In addition to incels’ challenges in fostering romantic relationships, a majority of incels reported experiencing some sort of underlying mental health condition: autism-spectrum disorder (74%), depression (95%) and anxiety (94%), as well as experiences of being bullied (84%). These responses highlight the many difficulties faced by incels that are further pushing them to the margins and towards incel ideology.
Finding a New Path
What we must recognize is that incels are not born with hatred towards women, but are rather shaped by their personal struggles in creating real connections. In the absence of meaningful relationships, romantic and/or platonic, inceldom offers lonely and marginalized young men a sense of community, albeit one that is predicated on dangerous and violent rhetoric against women.
To protect vulnerable members of our society from the negative consequences of inceldom, we have to stop ostracizing the young men who are most susceptible to or who have adopted incel ideology. Instead, we need to provide young men with an alternative to the toxic beliefs propagated by inceldom: an approach to forming romantic relationships that is not only effective, but is most importantly respectful of the rights, needs and safety of women.